I am 100% confident that if we would've sought mediation instead of litigation, my ex-husband and I would've gained the skills necessary to be better parents. We would have learned how to work through our conflicts in order to focus on what was most important to both of us — our kids. Through mediation, our kids wouldn't have been put in the middle. We could have learned how to overcome being victims of our emotions to show our children a better way.
I'm Mari Ickes, founder of Spartickes Solutions, and I'm looking forward to empowering you to change the trajectory of your children's lives. Divorce is such a difficult and emotional time, even if you are the one who initiates it.
One particular day during my divorce still hurts my soul when I reflect on it. The pain is still very real.
A few weeks after we first separated, right in the midst of anger and chaos, I felt confused and weary. I was in my own head pretty much all of the time.
My daughter's 7th grade English teacher called me to a meeting with the principal and the guidance counselor. Now, my kids never really got in trouble, so I had no idea what the meeting was about.
The teacher gave me an essay that my daughter had written. I don't remember what the topic was supposed to be — something fluffy like sports or animals — but I do remember what it said. It was an essay written TO ME, which said, "You aren't even paying attention, are you?" Those were the literal words on the paper. My daughter brought me that paper to read a few nights before, and I thought it was satire because I just quickly skimmed it. I simply didn't pay attention, just like she said.
It was a test for me, and I failed.
All of these professionals were sitting around me, pointing out my failure, and I didn't even know how to respond. My daughter was reaching out to me, and I didn't put my hand out to catch her. My divorce was ruining her life, and I didn't know how to help myself, let alone her.
I wish I could say this was a turning point in my divorce and that I figured out how to be more present, but I didn't. I honestly never did. I was in too much pain. I felt so out of control and had no idea what to do. My husband was living with his mistress, and I was in denial, spending every day hoping it would be the day he'd come home, doing everything in my power to bring him back. At this point, I had the kids 99% of the time, but they only had me about 1%. I simply didn't know what to do.
Years later, along with plenty of therapy as well as mediation training, I now know what I should have done. I'm on a mission to share it with the world because I don't want others to suffer the way my family and I suffered through my divorce.
That is why I wrote the Cooperative Co-Parenting Blueprint. It has all of the things that have come up in mediations or in my own life that I didn't expect. When you're going through a divorce, it's hard not to react poorly to things that you don't expect.
By filling out the Blueprint and communicating expectations and desires while keeping the kids' best interests in mind, we can mitigate the negative effects divorce has on kids. We can show them that our emotions don't have to rule our actions.
My commitment to you is to fight for your right to be heard, even when you don't know what you want to say or how to say it. We're going to figure it out together, and YOU, as well as your spouse, are going to develop the best plan for your family. Divorce doesn't have to mean the end of your family; it doesn't have to be traumatic. Divorce just means your family will be living in separate households.
I can't wait to get started!