If you've ever gone through mediation, you may not have felt like it was very positive or even productive. If you never went through mediation at all, you probably have no idea what to expect. Here are some frequently asked questions about my mediation sessions.
Feel free to email me if you have a question not yet answered here.
Divorcing spouses often spend years fighting in and out of court just to get a final decision from a judge that neither party finds satisfactory. The final judgment doesn't actually work on a practical level, but by the end, both parties end up hating each other and failing to communicate.
A mediator can be a better way. Mediators help both parties come together and work toward solutions that actually resolve disputes and other problems that each person deals with in their daily lives. Instead of being an advocate for one side or the other, mediators help bridge the gap so that everyone wins. We take the time to understand each person's needs and desires. More importantly, we help each person understand and empathize with the other, which often helps us come to an outside-of-the-box solution that works for both parties. Judges and lawyers have neither the time nor the training to create these sorts of mutually beneficial solutions. They are limited by court schedules or the competing interests of the other side and their attorneys. But win-win solutions that mediators work toward can lessen future animosity and conflict. It sets expectations, opens up communication, and helps kids better adjust to their new way of life.
Top-tier mediators will make sure their clients are well prepared ahead of time so they know exactly what to expect and what to bring to mediation. For my mediation sessions, you need to come prepared to lay out all your cards on the table. To achieve the best resolution, you need to prepare to provide 100% full disclosure. Never hold back. There are no small details that I don't want to know about. Everything can make a difference.
Since all of my mediation sessions are based on the Cooperative Co-Parenting Blueprint, you will have a list of questions ahead of time that you need to consider. This will give us a starting point for our negotiations, but you'd be surprised how far we can veer from the original thought processes to get to a place that is best for the kids and for both parents.
I will meet with each parent individually before the mediation session so I can answer your specific questions and give you tailored guidance on how to make the most successful use of our time.
Litigation happens in court. The lawyers representing each party plead their case to the judge who decides what is best for their family. Depending on the case, most people leave litigation feeling like they either won or lost. Many people think litigation is the only way to deal with a high-conflict divorce, but that simply isn't true. A highly qualified mediator can get both parties to come together for conversations where everyone is satisfied with the outcome. There is no winner or loser in mediation.
Mediation happens outside of court in a much less formal setting. Nothing said during mediation can be brought up in court. It is completely confidential among those who attend the mediation session. Rather than representing a "side" during mediation, my goal is to find a resolution that works for everyone, including any children. Together, we are working toward the best outcome for your whole family.
Unlike a judge, I am not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. However, if I think that you are "giving in" too easily or being too stubborn, I will discreetly and respectfully ask you questions to make sure you actually want what you are describing, if it really is in the best interest of the whole family.
In court, someone else chooses your outcome. In mediation, you choose. I ask a ton of questions and really try to get to the heart of the matter for you and your family. Judges don't really ask questions about how you feel or what you want. They just tell you what you are going to do.
Overall, clients should look for a mediator who genuinely cares about their lives, their situation, and what is at stake for them. You can decide this really quickly by just sharing your story with them and seeing if they were actually listening to what you are dealing with and asking them questions about the different resolutions that they believe could be possible for your situation. You'll typically know right away after that conversation. You'll know if you are working with a mediator who just wants to get another case and wants to give you a cookie-cutter resolution or if you’re working with someone who genuinely understands what is at stake here: your life, your children, your relationships. You'll also find out whether or not that person is even able to put in the work that it takes to get to the best possible resolution.
Some people who go through mediation don't feel like they were really seen or heard. They sat in a stuffy boardroom with lots of arguing. They had their lawyers sitting beside them, so every minute that passed, they thought about the money going towards the lawyer and the mediator. Every time their STBX disagreed, they became even more frustrated.
That is not how I run my mediation sessions. Here is what you get instead:
Cooperative Co-Parenting Blueprint: Every one of my parenting mediation sessions is based on my co-parenting blueprint, which each client will have filled out on their own before the session. It gives you a chance to figure out your feelings and desires ahead of time, and it gives us a plan for where to take our negotiations.
Zoom Call: Our mediation sessions will not be conducted in person in a stuffy boardroom. Each of us will be in the comfort of our own space. You will even have your own breakout room so you can have your own space or have a private conversation with me.
Peaceful: While I can't guarantee that there won't be some arguments because we will be discussing something very important to both of you, I do provide a peaceful environment. If my salt lamp and candles aren't calming enough, I also encourage you to bring your (quiet) pet to sit on your lap. If anyone is having a hard time controlling themselves, I will mute them to give them a chance to re-think their communication strategy. Mute is my friend, but it doesn't rule the session. I want everyone to be able to talk and be heard.
No Lawyer Interference: Lawyers are welcome if you want their support, but they will be on mute. This mediation session is between you and your STBX. You can go into breakout rooms if you'd like to confer with them. I am not a lawyer, and I will not give you legal advice, so I won't tell you not to invite them. I will promise you, though, that I am on your side. I am on both sides, the side of the kids, and the side of a peaceful future. I am dedicated to making sure the other party hears what you want and why you want it.
MOU: A Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) is paperwork that outlines the agreements and expectations between co-parents. When signed, this is the legally binding document that you'll take to your lawyers to file for divorce. You will leave your session with the MOU ready to hand to your lawyer. The lawyers will not have to go back and forth with each other and they will not have to track anyone down for a signature. This alone saves a lot of time and money.
Pricing: The cost of your session is based on which MOU you choose, not the number of hours it takes for us to come to an agreement. Since we will already know what will be included in the MOU, you won't have to be watching the clock and thinking about your money leaving your pocket. If I see that we won't be able to reach all of our decisions in the allotted time, I will let you know ahead of time and give you the choice to write up the MOU where we stand or to set up another session. Extra sessions are half-days, which cost a total of $500 per couple.